Sunday, May 15, 2011

暇を食い尽くした虫の行進/A march of those bugs ate all the boredom of mine

あの地震があってから、ママがものすごい心配性になってて、その上電車もちゃんと動いてないし。 っていうのは、ただの言い訳で。 毎日少しずつ、少しずつ睡眠時間が長くなってきてる。 耳から血が出てるような気がするけど、そんなこと無いって分ってる。 例えて言えば、あの虫(インディジョーンズとかハムナプトラとかに出てくる、あの虫、体の中とか、皮膚の下に入ってきちゃうやつ。)が私のなかにいて、ゆっくりゆっくり私を食べている感じ。それで、私も私で、行進する虫を肌の下に感じながらも虫に好きにやらしてる。
Since this earthquake happened here, my mum is being so protective, and trains are not running properly and so on. But those are just excuses. I am sleeping longer and longer little by little everyday. I feel like my ears are bleeding. but I know they are not. It's like those bugs (those bugs you see in Indiana Jones or The Mummy, those ones that get inside you, under your skin) are inside me and eating me slowly. and I am letting them to go on and on marching under my skin.


もう、本当、暇で暇で、居間で、木まで、今で、否で。ちょっといい感じ。
I am bored as hell. I kinda like it.

洋服のポストするために、このブログはじめたけど、今はほとんど"fashion"ポストはしてない。だって、自分の写真って撮るのが難しいし。でも、自分の写真を撮るのは大好きで、でも、ほかの人に、自分の写真撮るのが大好きなんだって思われたくない。パラドックス。パラドックスのソックスの中。
I started this blog for outfits. But I barely do those "fashion" post now. Because I can't take pictures of myself well. But I love taking pictures of myself. But I don't want people to think I like taking pictures of myself. A paradox. I'm in a box of paradox.

写真を撮るのが好きなのであって、写真を撮ることが好きなのではなくて、もし、そこに違いがあればの話だけど。違いがあるのかは、分からない。
I like taking pictures, not I like to take pictures, if there is a difference. I don't know if there is.


まぁ、とにかく、私の周りには「とうよ?」って顔してポーズとった私の写真をとってくれる人はあまり見当たらないわけで。でも、私的には、みんなの「どうよ?」顔は結構好きよ。あと、「あはははは、それ・・・あは・・ちょ、超・・うける!あははは」顔も好きで。っていうか、あの顔は誰をも魅力的かつ不細工にそして愛らしく、時にはセクシーにさえしてしまう魔法の顔だと思う。
Anyway, I don't have anyone who would take pictures of me posing and making "huh?" face. but I like "huh?" faces of people. and "ahahaaha that...is....ahahaha really...haaaa...fanny!!" laughing face. That laughing face is a magic face that make people look charming, ugly, adorable, and even sexy at the same time.

今日は、携帯用トイレのせいで顔の無い男の子に置き去りにされる夢を見た。昨日の夜、ベッドの中で心配性のママが、もし地震が起きたときのためにってくれた携帯トイレのことを考えた。一度も開けていないから、どんな形かも分らないけど、もしそれを開けて、中を覗いたら、多分吸い込まれそうになるんじゃないかって気がした。その後、いろんなことを次々に蜘蛛の糸くらいの関連性を残して考えていって、どんどん悲しくなって、ありもしない体のどこかが痛くて、右頬に涙が流れて(なぜかいつも右の目ばっかり泣く)、でも知らない間に黒に飲み込まれて、気がついたら、そこには顔の無い男の子と私がいた。
I had a dream last night. And in that dream, a boy left me because of a portable toilet my mum told me to bring around with me. She is so worried about the earthquakes and she thinks toilet is so important when a huge earthquake happened again. I was thinking about the portable toilet. I haven't opened it yet, but I imagined if I opened it and looked into the toilet hole, it would feel like I would be sucked into the hole. After a while, I started to think many things. Skipped this thing to that thing leaving a spider string thin connections. I got sadder and sadder. Some parts of my body which didn't exist started to hurt. Tears came down on my left cheek( I don't know why, but I always cry with my left eye more). And then I was covered up with darkness without knowing it. Next moment, there was a boy who has no face next to me.

私たちはどこか街の中にいて、天気は晴れていたけど、そこは暖かくも寒くもなかった。彼はエメラルドグリーンの綿のジャケットにグレーのVネックのTシャツとほとんど黒に近い細身のジーンズを着ていて、そのジャケット自体はマカロンみたいで、でも、その格好はどこか漫才師の様でもあった。ゲイっぽいことはさておき、不思議と品の良い感じのする男の子で、多分私たちはデートしていたんだと思う。顔は無かったけど、可愛いなって思ったのは覚えてる。それで、会話は全くしなかったけど、私たちの意思疎通には全く障害は無く(それはまるで無声映画の字幕が直接頭に送られてきているようだった。)、そのまま彼のお部屋に行った。行く先に急に彼の部屋が現れ、玄関も通ることなく、次の瞬間には私たちはその部屋の中にいた。それはただ、空気の膜の中にいるようなもので、壁も無くて、窓も、ドアも無い。でも、いつの間にか外の景色は消えていて、その空間中にいる。でも不思議と広い場所にいる気はしない。私は、バッグから(それは蛍光グリーンのクラッチバッグだった。着ていたのは多分オレンジのForever21のワンピースに黄色のプラットフォームサンダル。ドレス以外は実際には持っていないけど。)ポーチを出そうとして、ママに今朝渡された携帯トイレを床に落としてしまう。彼が無言で「それは何?」と問いかける。「なんでもない。ただの携帯トイレ。」と、何でもないことのように私も無言で答える。彼はうつむいて、向きを変えて私から離れていった。無言の会話も問いかけも無く本当に無言で。私も無言のまま彼のことを見ていて、ほっとしたような、悲しいような気持ちになった。いつの間にか彼の行く先にはドアがあり、私の肌より白いその手はドアノブを回し、外に出て行った。私はそこにぼんやり立ち、エメラルドグリーンのジャケットと、まるでボロアパートのもののようなドアのコントラストに頭をひねらせた。
We were somewhere in the city. It was sunny, but it was not warm or cold. The boy was wearing a emerald green cotton jacket, grey v-neck t-shirt and dark colored skinny jeans. The color of the jacket reminded me of macaroons and a comedian. Beside looking kind of gay, he looked decent and well-educated. I think we were dating. Although he didn't have a face, I remember I thought he was kinda cute. We didn't have a conversation at all, but we magically understood each other and had no problem on communication. It was like a silent movie and subtitle was sent into my head. Therefore I went to his room. The room appeared on our way suddenly and we were inside the room in the next moment. Without even going through the door. It was as if we were in a space covered by thick skin of air. There were no wall, window, or door. The background view of outside disappeared before I knew it, but strangely enough it didn't feel like I am in an open space. I reached my purse ( it was a neon green purse from Parada I deadly want. I was wearing orange dress from Forever 21 which I really own, and neon yellow platform sandals that I have no idea where it came from.) and tried to take out my make-up bag. Then, portable toilet slipped out from the purse. "What is it?" He asked. Without saying it out loud. "It's nothing. Just...portable toilet." I answered. Without saying it out loud and also trying to sound like it was all cool. He looked at the ground, turned around and walked away from me. Without saying anything. This time, it was real silence. He didn't talk without saying things out loud. I didn't either. I just looked at his back. I was little sad and relieved at the same time. A door appeared on his way while I was unaware. His hand which is much whiter than mine turned door knob and he went outside. I was just standing there with a faraway look, puzzling over the contrast of emerald green jacket and dirty cheap look door.

それで終わり。後は覚えてない。
That's it. I don't remember after that.



(I wrote it in the end of March. Now Tokyo's transportation is working perfectly.)






2 comments:

Amy said...

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope Japan recovers quickly and things goes back to normal soon. I hope you're doing well.

I just tagged you in my recent blog post regarding Cassie's Therapy Tag. =)

Y control said...

Thank you so much Amy! Tokyo is working properly now :) xxx